My mother-in-law, Dianne, is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever known. I could say all kinds of things about her. She's busy, patient, compassionate, and loving. She's definitely a Proverbs 31 woman. But to tell you all the beautiful things about her would make this post way too long, so right now I'm going to just let her tell you her own story.
Dianne recently spoke at a women's conference about the phase of life she is living right now, and the super-great guy she's living it with. It is rather lengthy, but take a bit and read it through. I think you'll be blessed by it. Here is what she shared:
I am nervous up here in front of all of you, but my heart is
warmed to hear the stories, with their struggles and triumphs, I’ve heard so
far today. Every woman has a beautiful
story, and we are all on the same journey, so it helps to know that my own traveling
is on a road that has been walked by amazing women who have gone before
me. I am blessed in the knowledge that
my own story may encourage those women who have not yet reached this stretch of
the road. Our goal, in the end, is to
hear our Savior say, “Well done,” and to spend eternity in worship and service
to Him. For now, though, in my
nervousness, I’m clinging to 1 Thessalonians 5:11 – “therefore encourage one
another and build up one another, just as you are doing,” and tell you that I
need some encouragement to get through this!
My husband, Don, and I have been married for 43 years. We’ve been blessed to raise four sons. Shannon lives in Lynchburg, works for Pepsi, and
is married with two children. Derrick
is an associate pastor in North Carolina, is married with two children. Chris and his wife are in Arkansas helping
plant a church….guess how many children they have. It’s a pattern…two children. And our baby, Stephan, is single and lives
right next door to us. Oh, I have
stories to tell about raising four boys, but those stories are not for this
time, so I’ll just say that all four of them are believers, they are happy,
they are healthy, and they and their families serve the Lord in their churches
and in their lives.
I also have many
stories about how our three granddaughters and three grandsons serve the
Lord. They are musically and creatively
gifted by God. Our oldest grandson,
Tanner, goes to Liberty University, has been on mission trips to Russia, and
serves in music ministries for Christian camps.
The rest of our grandchildren (Aubrianah, Anna, Alisyn, Benjamin, and
Daniel) are following along that same path, serving, doing, going, creating,
all for the glory of our Lord. I could
stand here and tell you how practically perfect my grandchildren are all day
long…but it’s not the time for that, either.
The early years of
our marriage found us in church almost every service. Don was a deacon, teacher, and soloist. He sang in the church choir, helped with
every event, and was a part of special groups.
We were a busy family, and we filled our time with raising our boys and
serving the church and others. Don and I
would dream, talk, and plan about traveling across the country, taking our time
and seeing all the sights and enjoying God’s creation. We looked forward to our children being out
on their own, traveling their own journeys.
We loved them and still do, of course, but we did dream about taking a
little time to ourselves, a little time to enjoy God’s view. You’ve heard of the ‘golden years’, no babies
under foot, no diapers to change, no teenager to transport to games, no kids to
hear begging to go somewhere or asking you to buy them expensive tennis
shoes. The golden years, I’ve heard, are
supposed to be a special time with your mate, to see the country or maybe take
a cruise.
For many, though,
the golden years aren’t so shiny. As we
grow older there are aches and pains, falls and broken bones, hot flashes and
sleepless nights, loneliness and empty nest syndrome, and sometimes,
Alzheimer’s and dementia.
My husband started
having some physical problems early on.
He received a medical discharge from Air Force in his late teens due to
hip and back problems. He’s been plagued
with arthritis and allergies most of his life.
Then, in 1995, Don had a quintuple bypass. Soon after that, the memory problems
started. We thought it was from the
prescription drugs, but when he stopped taking them the problems
continued. One doctor said it may have
come from being on the heart and breathing machines too long. Whatever the cause, we have had to learn to
live with it. It is the lot in life God
is allowing us to bear.
When our boys grew up and moved away, it wasn’t long until
Don was no longer going to church with me.
He just didn’t feel like it. I
had a pity party every time I traveled to church alone. I cried many times in the car, and again in
the service when we sang songs that I knew Don loved to sing. We went from being a family who took up half
a row in church, to just me…one seat.
In addition to the
worsening memory problems, and possibly sometimes because of them, Don has had
even more physical problems. He fell and
broke his hip about six years ago and had to be in a nursing home for
rehab. I took a leave of absence from
work and stayed all day, every day with him.
He also hurt his shoulder when he fell.
After he was able to walk without a walker or cane, surgery was
done. He had so much damage that only a
shoulder replacement would help. The doctor
advised against the replacement, fearing worse memory damage. We decided to try to live with the pain. He had a ‘tens unit’, but he couldn’t get
used to it. He kept adjusting it and it
would shock him. He finally said, “I
can’t get any music on this thing so you may as well throw it away. And my shoulder is really hurting.” So, now we’re praying about whether or not we
should just go ahead with the shoulder replacement. If he has it, I will need to be with him 24
hours a day while he is in rehab. If he
doesn’t have it, he will be in continuous pain…and he’ll tell me about it 24
hours a day.
Don can no longer
mow, trim trees, plant the garden, or help with the upkeep on the pool. We had always enjoyed working on our home
together, but now I work alone-painting the deck, washing the car, or whatever
projects need to be done to keep up a home.
When I had to quit my job, I went from seeing seventy people five days a
week to seeing only Don most days. All
the decisions are mine; I do everything inside and out. Sometimes I even have to re-do things that he
has undone! Several months ago I came
home from church to find water in the downstairs floor. I asked Don about it, but of course he didn’t
know. I cleaned it up and continued on
with my day. A couple of months later I
heard him call, “My socks are wet!” This
time was much worse. I pulled towels and
rugs into the mess and started soaking it up.
When I went downstairs for more towels I could hear water pouring from
the ceiling. I thought, “I’ll deal with
that later, one thing at a time.” We had
recently re-done the downstairs bathroom, now everything was wet and the
ceiling tiles stained. Pastor Wegner
came and re-painted them. He painted
them on the garage floor, Don came into the garage and walked on them. Now we have white footprints on the garage
floor and Pastor Wegner had to paint them again. I thank the Lord for the helpers He has sent
to us, and the sense of humor most of those helpers possess. Sometimes all we can do is laugh, and
laughter is good medicine.
My boys have grown
up and have lives and families of their own, and I am happy for them. My empty nest did not last long, though. Don has become my little boy. I have to bathe him, help him dress, and
sometimes talk to him as I would talk to a child…giving him directions for
simple tasks over and over or reminding him what to do in certain
situations. The other day he had on two
different shoes and one was on the wrong foot.
Some nights he wakes up in the middle of the night and then asks me
questions for four hours, “Are you alright?
Are you cold? I love you. My arm hurts.
How long have we been married? I
thank God for you. Ouch!! My shoulder hurts!” I’m thinking to myself, “Just go back to
sleep!!!” But the Lord helps me hold my
tongue and most of my replies are just grunts.
Recently, as I was
helping him with his shower, he asked, “Are you my wife?” I said, “You better hope so, I don’t get in
the shower with just anybody!” Don is
sick to his stomach most mornings, sometimes he goes three or four days without
eating regular food. He asks for ice
cream all day long. I usually make him
his favorite egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast, he takes a couple bites and
says he is sick and goes back to bed.
When he is still and in bed the pain in his shoulders and back is
less. He calls for me many times to just
say, “I’m sick,” or “My shoulder hurts.”
Once he gets out of bed, he is constantly calling my name, constantly
asking for ice cream. Some days he eats
ice cream four or five times. He goes
out the back door and into the front door and calls for me, sometimes he says,
“Does anyone live here?”
Don loves to visit
people and he loves to have people over to visit with us, even though he
forgets who we are visiting or asks our grandchildren, “Which one is your
daddy?” I am encouraged by the patience
and thoughtfulness of others, though.
Our grandchildren answer his questions over and over, and when our
children are able to visit, which is not often, they sit with him and help me with
projects. I am especially encouraged by
one 85-year-old friend. I take her to
church and shopping, and she sits with Don at the front of the store sometimes
while I shop. She went through a similar
time with her late husband, so she has firsthand knowledge of how to pray for
us…and she does so fervently.
Well, I feel like
I’ve spent a long time here telling you about my trial. Maybe more than I meant to, because I know
you want to hear the triumph. I know at
least one of my daughters-in-law looks at me and is scared to death that she is
going to have to go through the same thing with one of Don’s and my sons. She’s told me she doesn’t know how she’ll do
it, if she has to. She sees the trial, but
the triumph is much more difficult to see.
. We have to lay our trials at
the feet of the One who can handle them.
I took an oath to my husband, and he to me…in sickness and
in health. We made that vow before God
and I do not take it lightly. And I
know, if the situation were reversed and I was the one asking Don for ice cream
and forgetting where I live and tracking white footprints all over the house,
he would not take the vow lightly either.
Even in Don’s dementia his sweet spirit reminds me that he loves me and
would take care of me the way I take care of him. He tells me several times a day how much he
loves me, how beautiful I am, how he thanks God for me. He talks about how God has blessed us and our
children. I know many women would love
to have a husband who loves her so much and expresses those feelings. I
love Don and praise God for him, even with his disease.
When Don and I were
young, we sang in a quartet. One song
said, “Whatever it takes to be like you, Lord, that’s what I’d be willing to
do.” Don and I searched our hearts back
then. What would we be willing to give
up? Even a child? We searched and decided that whatever it
takes to be like Jesus, that’s what we are willing to do. I guess dementia was part of that plan. The doctor reminded me last month that Don
has a terminal disease that will only get worse. Only God knows our future and he is our rock
and stay in times of trouble. What have
I given up to be more like Jesus?
Nothing my husband and I didn’t commit to Him in the first place. Nothing we weren’t willing to give.
Sometimes I do get
depressed and moody. Sometimes I get
angry. Sometimes I compare my situation
to people who don’t have these problems.
I get sad. When I’m depressed, I
ask for forgiveness and for God to help me get through the nights when Don is
talking, talking, talking and I am grunting answers. I get frustrated and offer short prayers of,
“Help me, Jesus!” When I get angry, I
remind myself that there is no point in anger…Don can’t help it…and I remember
Phil.4:5-6, “The Lord is near, be anxious for nothing.” And Ps 55:22 “Cast your
burdens on the LORD and He shall sustain thee.
He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved…His mercies are new
every morning.” Great is thy faithfulness,
Lord. When I get lonely, I speak God’s
Word to myself in Deut 31:6 “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be
afraid for the Lord your God…is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” I also get scared, because I’ve heard of
dementia patients get violent and don’t know their families. When I’m afraid I think of John 14:27, “Peace
I leave with you. My peace I give to
you; not as the world gives do I give to you.
Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
God has a positive purpose when all we can see are the
negative circumstances. We cannot blame
God for our trouble. Sin brought trouble
in to the world. We have to accept the
circumstances that God has allowed into our lives, and then use them to refine
our walk with Him! I want my sons, my grandchildren, and my three
daughters-in-law to see Jesus in me as I serve Don through these trying
times! Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so
shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in
heaven.”
And what of our
ministry? Don and I were so active in
our church and other ministry. But I
want to encourage you, whatever stage of life we are in, we can still be a
blessing of service. I do my Bible
reading in bed. I cook meals for
shut-ins while Don is sleeping, and he goes with me to visit them. We have a pool, so we are able to invite
church families over to use that and fellowship at the same time. Don can no longer lead a Bible study group,
but we can host them in our home and allow other men to lead. Having families in our home is an encouragement
to me, feeding people something other than ice cream helps me find fulfillment
for my gift of hospitality. The Lord has
provided helpers for us when we’ve needed them, and many of them have come from
these small groups we are still able to host.
Our ministry is different now, just as it was different from when our
boys were little to when they became teenagers.
And it will certainly change again.
Don still has a
ministry, too. He has always loved
music, so I keep a CD player or radio near him most of the time. It blesses my heart to hear him singing along
to a hymn or finishing a Bible verse a preacher has started. That is his ministry to my heart, even though
he doesn’t realize it. He also has a
ministry of prayer, I sometimes hear him praying aloud from the bedroom.
I often remember what Corrie Ten Boom said, “When the train
goes through a tunnel and the world gets dark, do you jump out? Of course not! You sit still and trust the engineer to get
you through…” In other words, don’t panic. Don’t jump out, don’t give up. Be patient.
God knows best, He knows the future, He is in control, trust God, Praise
Him in all things. May Jesus Christ be
praised, now and forevermore.
My ‘golden years’ may not look the way I thought they would
look, but Job 23:10 says, “He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me,
I shall come forth as gold.” Don and I
will claim this verse, we’ll trust God through the trials, and we’ll come out
golden anyway!
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